By Geoffrey C Porter
I knew it was time. A few hours earlier, I ate my last package of Kahiki Chicken Fried Rice. I knew it was time for a trip to the frozen foods section of my favorite grocery store. The Kahiki Chicken Fried Rice was pivotal to my diet, yet I feared that the grocery store would be sold out as was often the case.
I drove across town passing by two inferior grocers on the way. I was on a mission, and I would not fail. The clock struck 2 A.M. as I stepped into the store.
I ditched and dodged past the sale displays of snack cakes and peanut butter cookies. I reached the frozen food section and cardboard boxes were stacked in front of the doors. I was closer to a brand I didn’t enjoy as much as Kahiki, so I pushed the boxes out of the way of the door and grabbed a variety of the inferior brand. I would eat just Kahiki, but variety is the spice of life.
I made my way to the section storing the Kahiki. Again boxes sat in my way to get into the freezer doors. I started moving the boxes out of the way. I didn’t see any General Tsos or Chicken Fried Rice, and I sighed. How will I survive?
Then my eyes wandered to the cardboard boxes.
I looked around. I was alone.
I ripped the tape off the top box and looked inside: Kahiki Sweet and Sour Chicken. I set that box off to the side. I opened the next box. I laughed maniacally, for the second box contained Kahiki Chicken Fried Rice. I stashed three packages in my basket. I moved the cardboard box to the side and opened the next box. I smiled when I read the label: General Tso’s.
I grabbed two packages and put them in my basket.
A voice snarled from behind me, “What do you think you’re doing?”
I turned to look. A tall Amazon with perky breasts and short brown hair stared at me with her hands on her hips. I have always fancied tall women. Well, in truth there were very few categories of women I didn’t fancy, but the tall ones were special to me.
I said, “What do you mean?”
“You’ve ruined my whole system!”
She had brown eyes and the cutest frown complete with dimples.
“I needed my Kahiki,” I said, with an attempt at a friendly smile.
“This is going to set me back hours! I’m going to have to stay late off the clock!”
I showed off my teeth. “I like you.”
“I think you’re good looking…”
She glared at me. I moved a little closer to her. She didn’t back away. I was like, what the hell, so I kissed her.
She slapped me, which has been known to happen when you kiss strange girls.
She said, “I’m calling the cops!”
“Yes, I’m calling the cops.”
“You just assaulted me!”
I smiled. “I could do it again.”
Her eyes opened wide, and she pulled a cell phone out of her pocket.
I took off in a run dropping my precious stockpile of frozen meals.